The Not-So-Happy Parts

Hello all.

So, basically all of my posts have been about travels or beautiful places or just a list of what I have been doing in different cities. So most of my posts have been happy. Now there's nothing wrong with happy posts. Being happy is wonderful, albeit fleeting. But I don't want you to get the wrong impression about moving to another country, living somewhere foreign, or even traveling in general. It isn't all fun and games. In fact, sometimes being in France, at least for me, can mean a lot of stress, fear, anxiety and, sometimes tears. Living in another culture is debilitating at first. It feels foreign, like when you normally know what drawer the knives go in but then you look to grab a knife and they aren't there, someone has moved them, and there's not a darn knife in the whole kitchen. You find them 10 days later. Apparently, someone has put them away in the closet in your bedroom (a little creepy, why are they there?! but you get the picture). There's a word for this type of culture shock in French: le dépaysement. Literally, the act of being away from (dé) your country (pays). Little French lesson for you.

But I have definitely had my fair share of dépaysement, even though I've lived here before and am supposed to understand this new place better. All of this means that I miss stuff from the most banal to the most important.

I miss my family. If you know me at all, you know I love my family and that we are very close. So being away from them is not my favorite thing. In fact, it's probably my least favorite thing. The thing I hate the most about it is that I start to feel so far away, in another world from them, even though we can talk so easily on FaceTime and What'sApp. The time zones are so different that the amount of time we can talk passes quickly and soon it's the next day. So I miss out on the day-to-day, I miss out on sitting down at the counter and talking about what happened, what we're having for dinner, etc. But, the funny thing is that even when my mom was here, my mind forgot this simple truth. Because I speak French and understand the culture much more than my mom does, obviously I was the tour guide when we were together. However, I found myself getting so stressed out by this ever-constant responsibility that I would refuse to ask someone something, especially when it had to do with something serious, like asking for a new room at the hotel. But, Mom was, obviously, going to struggle even more than I was. One night at dinner we were talking and she brought it to my attention that having someone else rely on you in that way was a lot like being a mom. When I was a little kid, my mom did everything for me. She asked the waiter for things for me, she went to the store for me, she spoke for me (not all the time, but in a lot more figurative ways). Here I was forced to be the "mom" to my mom in a way and lead us around/be in charge. It was scary (big kudos, gratitude, and love to my mom and all moms out there who do this on a daily basis). I was worried about making a fool of myself and so that was a constant struggle as we were getting settled. After this night, I tried to be better (and often failed, sorry Mom!) but now, at least, I don't feel overwhelming anxiety asking someone for directions. So there's a lesson in there somewhere. :)

Living and working in a new place (without a car, in a country that prefers paper documents to almost anything in the world) means a lot of walking, waiting in establishments, time "en route" as another assistant put it to work or friends, talking on the phone in French, and struggling to understand the never-ending bureaucracy of France. A lot of my life has felt like I am just in limbo waiting for something to happen or waiting for a document to come through.

Finally, one of the most basic things that I have not-liked (this is a weird post) is traveling alone. Granted I haven't traveled alone yet, but I have moved from place to place alone. And when you have delays or canceled trains (which have happened to me multiple times) and you spend 12 hours at a time in trains and/or planes alone, with only books and a dead laptop (because of the lack of chargers) to keep you company, you get bored and lonely, fast. Plus, if something happens to you (like the train you're on is delayed by 3 hours and you aren't sure if you'll make it home), it's nice to have a buddy.

I miss school and Berkeley. I miss feeling like I had a direction or a purpose, something that I was working for. I miss discussing the rhetorical strategies of Toni Morrison, dancing around my apartment with Addie, studying in Milano, doing discipleship with Violet at FSM or wherever, going to bible study every week and knowing I could just breathe for a second with people who cared about me, being in a community of people my age, who were like-minded and were interested by school and/or by Jesus and what he had to say and what our lives mean or are worth. I miss having a full schedule. I am a person who thrives on busyness (which you may or may not be) so when I work 12 hours a week and then just have a lot of free time in which to do nothing, I go a little stir-crazy. Although of course, I am extremely lucky, this is everyone's dream, right? Or is it? I am starting to think that dreams are never what you actually think they will be.

It's not like, "Oh, she gets to see the world and she shouldn't complain about anything, her life is perfect." It isn't. My life is different. It's really cool and really unique at this moment in time, but it's also really hard in its own way. And I am really excited about it, most days. (Also, how many times can I say "really"?) But it's not special because I have the best Instagrams or Facebook photos, that's the last thing I want people to think. That because this blog has cool pictures that that means everything is peaches and cream for me. My time here is special though. I won't say it sucks when it doesn't. It's special because I'm meeting new people and still struggling to comprehend a different culture. Because I'm becoming more independent. Because I get to affect the lives of French students. (well that may be wishful thinking but you get the picture). In short, because I am learning and teaching. That's what I love to do. That's why I miss school. But that's also why this experience is challenging. Because learning (and teaching) is challenging. Learning is a growing process where you are forced to continually reshape your worldview and your mind. When you learn, all that reshaping breaks certain things and breaking always hurts. But good always either comes from broken things or the good that you experience after the bad is such a stark contrast that you appreciate the good all the more.

In any case, with all the unhappy parts, I've been finding really intense joy and peace in Jesus (when I'm not stressing out that is) which has been cool. For example, today I was worrying a lot for no reason about some papers I needed to send to the CAF office (basically financial aid office for housing). I couldn't get into my online account, where I was supposed to upload my documents. So the other option was to send it in by mail. I was headed to the beach with some other assistants, when people were running late, so I decided just to swing by the actual office to ask them because it would be closed over the weekend and I work Monday and Tuesday. I also happened to have brought my paperwork. Once I got there, the lady told me I could just slip my documents into a box that was right there. All at once, my problem was solved. When I was walking home from the beach later, I thought how sweet it was that God had worked it all out, even while I was stressing, and how every time I had stressed about something small God had solved it in some simple way. I just felt a really cool peace within, reminding me that I worry and am anxious for nothing because he has me and he is looking out for me. I've felt this way many times since I've been here. Even with all the traveling issues, God has always gotten me home to my apartment. I've never been stuck in a dangerous situation or alone for the night.

So underneath are the two verses that have really resonated with me these past few days. It's been a constant battle between stress and peace, but I can feel when Jesus' peace is truly in my heart. It feels different than worldly peace or idleness, it feels complete, a complete and joyful peace. I don't know it's hard to describe. But, if you've ever felt this way, try and explain it in the comments :)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27